It’s pastry week on The Great British Bake Off, and I brace myself to start sobbing over someone’s unflaky pastry. Prue makes a surprise appearance on this week’s intro, which has Sandi in a rowing boat with Noel dressed as a tiger in an homage to ‘Life of Pi’. Pi, pie, geddit, geddit??
Signature Challenge - Savoury Pies
Pastry week’s first challenge has the bakers making four savoury pies, and on top of worrying about the pastry and the filling, they’ve got to look pretty (the pies that is, not the bakers). Our remaining seven (only seven already?!) must decorate their pies on a theme, because we’re getting closer to crunch time now and a bog standard pie just won’t do.
Yan’s theme is science, because of course it is. She’s using pastry binary to seal her pies, a pie equation to get the perfect crust, and a vacuum sealer to super-marinate her meat. I love her. Steven in typical Steven-style is doing two short crust pastries instead of one, bore off Steven. Kate is decorating her pies with images of people she admires cast in pastry. My other half looks up and thinks that her John Lennon stencil is of Harry Potter (personally I more admire Hermione, but each to their own).
GBBO: Yan is magnificent and I will not hear otherwise.
Stacey’s theme is ‘love’, and she’s using a red food colouring in her egg wash to bring a bit of colour to her pies. This could look unfortunately… bloody. But we’ll see. Noel tells us that moisture is the enemy of the short crust pie, pray god this is finally the week of the soggy bottom amen.
Liam’s theme is video game football, his secondary passion. He tells Paul his favourite team is Manchester United, and Paul expresses what a shame it is Liam must go this week… watch out Paul, I’ve got my eye on you. Over at Kate’s station, Lennon is starting to look more like Noel Gallagher.
Time is up and Noel makes a very niche Desperate Dan joke (any Dandy readers in The Nopebook audience?). The judges bear down on Sophie first, and her ‘four seasons’ pies. Her pastry is crispy and the filling is delicious, so it’s a strong start. Sandi nicks off with some pie… I feel more akin with her as each week goes by.
Steven’s Fleetwood Mac pies have a good bake, and the flavour is good even though his lingonberry mash makes the inside look a bit suspish. Julia’s is “a bit cakey” and the paprika overwhelms everything else. Kate’s don’t look too great, and now John Lennon looks like Jesus…. AND IT HAS A SOGGY BOTTOM, PRAISE BE OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR JOHN LENNON IT’S A SOGGY BOTTOM.
Yan’s are unevenly baked and look a bit messy. The pastry is delicious but the chicken is overcooked. In true British frustration, Yan asks if she’s allowed to say “bum”. Liam’s football pies are very buttery and flaky, and the filling looks great (my mouth is honestly watering). Paul calls it “a bit of a triumph”. No handshake, but then are they really worth anything anymore?
Stacey’s love pies are neat and the colour appears to have worked - they don’t look like something from Sweeney Todd. They’re well filled and the flavour is lovely – Paul calls it “a proper northern pie”. I’ll be the judge of that thanks Paul.
Technical Challenge – Pastéis de Nata (Portuguese Tarts)
Paul gets philosophical about some tarts now, sounding like he’s just come back from his cake gap year or something. The bakers need to make twelve ‘pastéis de nata’ (Portuguese tarts for us non-bilingual folk), which need a crispy firm base made of rough puff pastry, with a characteristic swirl and a slightly chewy custard filling. Paul and Prue mention calories again, SHUT UP ABOUT CALORIES, YOU SH*TS.
Lots of grating and folding butter now as the bakers set about making their rough puff (isn’t that fun to say? Still not as fun as stroopwafel though). Sophie seems to actually know what she’s doing – the other bakers, less so. Sandi is back trying to sell Kate off to a suitor, and she hides behind her sieve again in what is quickly becoming her signature move.
Noel and Julia are conspiring together again, these two definitely have pyjama parties together off-set and listening to weird music. Liam and Stacey discover they’ve rolled their logs (heh) the wrong way, and while Liam appears to sort himself out, Stacey continues with teeny tiny tarts. Oh dear.
GBBO: Noel and Julia bezzies 4 lyf
Julia declares her pastry looks “rank” while Sophie argues that though hers look different to everyone else’s, we don’t actually know who’s doing it right (I’m nicking that one, thanks Soph). Liam’s tarts are looking “bear puffy”, but he doesn’t know what he’s aiming for so shrugs it off. Classic Liam, isn’t he a babe. Stacey is still having a disaster and proceeds to kick over a bin, we suppose accidentally.
As Yan describes what the perfect amount of mottled browning should look like, Kate’s unveils her entirely black tarts. Oops. Everyone fans their tarts frantically as the clock runs down and it’s back to gingham hell.
Sophie’s has a swirl and looks well baked. The custard is a bit solid but it’s creamy and overall deemed “okay”. Kate’s have a swirl, sort of, but sadly they taste burnt (because they are). Liam’s are swirl-less, and Stacey’s are too small but look okay. Steven’s got a swirl but his custard is solid, and Paul fondles Yan’s tarts (oo-er) before declaring the custard “particularly good”. Julia’s pastry have turned out like shortcrust, and is too tough.
Julia is sadly in last, with Stacey behind. Second place is Sophie, who looks a little miffed not to be first, with Yan in first. Go Yan!
Show Stopper – Hand Raised Pie
The finale of pastry week comes in the form of a hand raised pie, made with hot water crust pastry and topped with glazed fruit. The whole thing should hold together like a cake when sliced, Prue tells us in no uncertain terms. I have to say, if there’s one thing I’m taking away from pastry week, it’s that to make a pie you need lard. Lots of lard.
Steven is making a Christmas pie so I’m actually on board. Liam is flavouring his pastry with turmeric, which “should be alright”, although he’s having a bit of a dilemma on whether to mould it on the inside or the outside of the tin. Paul stares him down, and Sandi tells him to “ignore Paul’s Face”, which is advice I think we could all use. Liam ultimately goes for an outy, while Julia and Yan remain steadfast with their innies.
Steven nearly sets the tent on fire now, thanks Steven. He tells us that you need to put holes in the bottom of your tin otherwise the pastry won’t come off… but then everyone else pretty successfully gets their pastry off their tins, although Stacey’s is slowly collapsing as she frantically fills it. Julia nervously asks Yan for help getting her pie out of the inside of her tin – only realise that her tin comes apart to release the pie. She marvels at her stupidity but also, her pie is intact, so it’s all good really.
While patching up a crack in her crust (“leaky crack is really not a good thing”, good grief we’ve sailed right past innuendo with that one haven’t we), Stacey realises that she’s left some baking parchment in the bottom of the pie… but it appears she’s soldiering through?! Sophie is busy syringing off the juices from her pie filling, and Noel worries that her steely front will one day crack and she’ll burn the tent down (Steven already tried that one, Noel).
GBBO: I’ll have a slice of paper pie, thanks Stace
Pies start to come out of the oven and are declared “cooked”, which is good. Toppings are going on, and Steven is glittering up his berries while Yan makes something gorgeous out of peaches. As time runs out, Stacey stares dismally at her collapsed mess of a pie.
Judging time, and Sophie’s pie looks very even and smooth, and holds together well. Prue calls it “an amazing construction” and the flavours are also really good. Although, there’s some raw pastry on the inside as it’s too thick… so not a perfect score there. Kate’s looks perfect, and the thin pastry has held well. It has a lovely flavour and looks pretty – Paul loves it.
Stacey’s disaster pie “certainly looks homemade”, Prue you bitch. As the judges sink the knife into the pie, Stacey now reveals there is baking parchment in the bottom of the pie. Paul manages to say it “tastes good”, which is all the praise this one is getting.
Prue says that Steven’s pie looks “moist and attractive” (calm yourself, Prue) but it’s let down on flavour. Paul stares Yan down for moulding her pie in the middle of the tin – seriously, what is the big deal?! It looks fine. Her checkerboard filling looks “stunning”, and has rich flavours.
Julia’s pie could have been neater, and the flavours don’t quite work. She’s somehow managed to have overcooked meat and undercooked pastry. Liam tells the judges his conscience made him mould his pie, to which Noel asks if his ‘conscience’ has “steely blue eyes and a silver grey beard”. The pie holds together well and has really nice flavours, and everyone congratulates Liam’s nan, who inspired the recipe.
It’s this family pie that earns Liam his first Star Baker badge, and the country rejoices. He does his adorable little smile and I’m so happy for him, I want only good things for Liam.
Sadly this week we’re saying bye to Stacey… wait, Julia? JULIA?! STACEY’S PIE HAD PAPER IN IT. PAPER DOES NOT BELONG IN A PIE. DID YOU EVEN SEE HER TINY TARTS? I am LIVID. Look what you’ve done, you’ve made Sandi CRY. She is IN TEARS. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE
#BoycottBakeOff2017
#justkiddingillseeyounextweek
#JusticeforJulia
